Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
