So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
