I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
