I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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