Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
