She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
