Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
