it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
