my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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