I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
