Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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