My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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