I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
