I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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