Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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