So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
