He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
