I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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