i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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