The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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