i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
