I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
