Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
