I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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