I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
