i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Be still, my beating vagina.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
