The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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