Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
