there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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