life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize