next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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