life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
