I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
