My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
All the doctor said was why
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
