Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
