i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
