your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
