no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
