Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
