FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
