At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I smell like Dick and happiness
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
