Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
