I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Mom said you looked used
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize