I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
