I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
