I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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