Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
