This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
