Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
