I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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