Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
