I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
