The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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