The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got inside last night via doggy door
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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