it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
