so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
