Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
40s are totally the cure
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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