there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
