hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
