His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
