sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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